Updated: Apr 6, 2018
Unsettled feelings came over me as I looked into my finances.
February 01, 2018
Would I rather have $250 in the bank or would I rather have all of those healthy nutrients inside my body. The choice is simple.
Everybody just Breathe..
I'm feeling depressed and happy at the same time? It's quite odd.. My contentment with life always goes bounding upward when I stop to give thanks. It's incredible the amount of surpluses I have. However, not having a handle on my finances can be jarring to this temperament. I have grown accustomed to living a simple life. For the most part, money coming in has near equalled money going out. In this state it is quite easy to become comfortable because my bills are taken care of, I am not accruing debt, I can afford to eat healthy and can also still enjoy the simple peasures. When generous incomes have come my way, I always put them into a holding account and never consider them a part of the equation. This has enabled me to do certain things, like purchase a vehicle when my 12 year old car blew its engine at a stoplight. Or when I liquidated my material possessions and drew upon that resevoir to take a trip of a lifetime to South America for one year. None of which has severely altered my financial standing, and yet, I can continue to operate as normal. Now, when there is a setback to my finances, the comfortability becomes an issue. Because of my savings, I do not feel the pressure to make the money going out match the money coming in. I presume I will make it up in the coming months. This has worked well in the past, because income remained steady. Since Hurricane Irm (click for link), I have been losing money at a much higher rate due to a consistency in spending and rather unfortunate events like dislocating my shoulder.
The diving economy has not yet recovered from the hurricane as we are now in the winter season and the highs of summer are ancient history. The conditions are unexpectedly difficult for diving and I have requested a downplay in my instructor role. All of which has added up to less and less income. Now as I said, when I stop to think about my life, I don't feel like I have less, but on the contrary. I feel like I have more with each day. More smiles, more happiness. More understanding. More contemplation about life goals and more achievements in those areas. Is my spending out of control? It might not match what my income dictates, but I make purchases that I feel will better my life. For example, a recent purchase was that of a blender. I already have a juicer to extract great ABC juice and give myself a fantastic and energizing start to the day, but I was lacking in all that lost fiber the juicer took out. Since obtaining the blender, I have been upping my protein, upping my cruciferous vegetables containing sulphuraphane which is a great anti-inflammatory compound. Getting more fiber, more flavonols, more healthy fats, more oils. The list goes on and on. Would I rather have $250 in the bank or would I rather have all of those healthy nutrients inside my body. The choice is simple.
What then, is so depressing about all of this? For starters, the fact that my income hasn't simply rebounded on its own and yet I continue to spend like it has. I make justifications for a purchase and then expect the coming paycheck to cover the cost. But the paychecks aren't and that means my little resevoir of savings will eventually become the target of this slippage in theory.
The question is, do I work harder, chasing after incentives, driving more work as an instructor, requesting increases in pay or do I change professions to something less seasonal, less variable and yielding a higher pay?
The main factor is I really like what I do. I have great passion for scuba diving because it allows me to be a proponent of change in so many ways. I also love the look and feel of Florida. Yes, its commercialized and flat, but it's also gorgeous and I am reminded of that each time I watch a sunset or while I spend my day existing with the ocean. This is how I find contenment in my situation. Its not irresponsible, because I do have the money to cover my expenses and I do have the drive to make the moments count when opportunities are presenting themselves. I start to wonder, how does it all come to be in the end when I find out life was an illusion, money was an illusion and even those pretty sunsets were an illusion? Will I be disappointed that I spent time considering what did not matter? Will I regret not living as if each day were my last? Should I have connected more with people?
I was sad because my downstairs neighbor, whom I just met, had moved out yesterday. I told them I was sad to see them go and he said, take my number and call me. We will be friends if you really want it. But for some reason I wanted it the other way, with him being my neighbor and us having casual conversations when we crossed paths. Did I really desire to know this person and their family on a deeper level? Why would keeping in touch over the phone seem like such an added effort that I would toss away the prospect of our friendship continuing because of it.
Its the fire that burns inside me to grapple with this.
I heard recently that if you want answers, you have to go and find them. Generally, that means looking inside. When I do this, I often ask myself a series of questions and wait to hear back. Am I on track? Am I doing what I should be doing? There's no real difinitive answers to these, but it does alleviate the developing pressures that caused me to ask the questions in the first place. And from there, I am back to where I began. Fitfully content, but steadily unsure of myself. I am capable of seeing my real potential. Sometimes I think its a peek at the future self and time will establish this narrative, but other days I feel action must happen in order to fulfill that destiny. Its the fire that burns inside me to grapple with this.
So, am I depressed? Not really. What have I to be depressed about. Well then, what am I? I guess I'm just thinking on a Thursday. Lets go see what some yoga, a run through the woods and a nice relaxing dinner will do for this disposition. Cheers